I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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