Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
