As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
