I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
