I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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