Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
