i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
