omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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