Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This baby is an asshole
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
