Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
