I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
