I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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