My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
