So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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