he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have tasted many bathrooms
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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