I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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