Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
