i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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