she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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