I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
