i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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