the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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