You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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