not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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