I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
