I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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