The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
