Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
