mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
