billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
