It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
