Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
