Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
