I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
