you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
