70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
