I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
