why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
