he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
