1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
