my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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