Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
