Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
