Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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