Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
