You just made me feel so damn special
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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