I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
