I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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