I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
