Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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