I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Randomize
