good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Small penises have feelings too.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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