Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
