even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize