I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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