my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
